WHEN CONFLICTS ARISE
PARENT-TEACHER COMMUNICATIONS
Most teachers become teachers because they want to teach children. They usually care about their students. Now, you may say that you could prove that this isn't the case with some of the teachers who have taught your children. A small percentage of teachers may feel and act "burned out," may not want to teach anymore, never really wanted to teach, or thought teaching would be something different than what they're experiencing. However, the vast majority of teachers want to guide your children toward positive learning experiences.
“Don’t provide an easy way out for your children.” |
 |
PARENT-TEACHER CONFLICTS
Parent-teacher conflicts usually emerge because some teachers have different philosophies than some parents about how children should be taught. Some parents believe that their philosophies are better than those held by their children's teachers. The parents may be right. On the other hand, the teachers may also be right. When there is a conflict of philosophies between teachers and parents, a united parent-teacher front may be destroyed.
If the parents' educational philosophies cause them to encourage their children to do more than the teacher expects, those philosophies probably won't cause any problems because the children will continue to receive a message of responsibility from their parents. However, if the parents' philosophies differ from those of the teacher in such a way as to provide an unintentional "easy way out" for the children, or if the parents describe the teacher's philosophies as inappropriate, irrelevant, or boring, the children will be given an excuse to avoid doing what the teacher expects. Even if the parents disagree with the teacher, they should not share their perspective with their children because there is the risk that children will assume they can escape from school responsibility with parental support.
TEACHER DENIAL OF PROBLEMS
Sometimes teachers deny that any problem exists. When this occurs, don't pursue it. The teachers probably need some time to think about your concerns, and if you press them, they'll only feel that they must prove their cases. Be assured that you've communicated, and the teachers have heard your comments. Now permit time and thoughtfulness to bring about change.
NEGATIVE COMMENTS BY TEACHERS
Suppose your child comes home with stories about negative comments his teacher has made. It is really true that teachers, and even a fair number of parents, become exasperated enough to lose their tempers and call children by
some inappropriate descriptors. Negative terms such as "lazy", "dumb", "stupid", etc., can easily make kids feel bad about themselves and sometimes even become self-fulfilling prophecies. Negative labels are absolutely not helpful to kids.
However, sometimes children exaggerate what they hear, and sometimes students deliberately bait a teacher or a parent. If your children are guilty of either of these behaviors, then you'll want to be very careful not to fall into the trap of supporting them against their teacher because your support will increase their defiant behavior.
“..take the responsibility of
communicating respectfully.”
Suppose your child comes home angry at his or her teacher and complains that she's called him "lazy," Your child’s wants you take his or her side against the teacher. First, I would suggest that you ask why she called him or her "lazy." The response will probably be something like, "I don't know," "I didn't do anything wrong," or "She doesn't like me." Your response could be:
“I know you’re not lazy, so you must have been doing something out of character today. I guess you’ll just have to prove yourself by working harder, and I bet she’ll stop calling you lazy. Not only that, I bet she’ll like you better too.”
You could remind your child about how hard he or she worked on an important project or chore with you or your spouse to encourage your child’s viewing him or herself in a more positive way. This would actively compensate for the teacher's negative comments, but avoid your allying with your child against the teacher. Reframe the teacher's comments each time your child brings complaints home. Although teachers shouldn't be name-calling in the classroom, your child's effort and behavior do clearly require improvement, or no teacher, not even a bad one, would label a child negatively. Challenge your child to show the teacher that he or she is an achiever and a nice kid.
“If you take your children’s side
against their teacher, you may be
encouraging your children’s negative
attitudes and behaviors in school….”
While it should be your first priority to encourage your child's improved effort and behavior, if you continue to hear that a teacher is using negative name-calling, do report your concern to the school's principal. Absolutely do not tell your child of your report, or your child will view it as a battle with the teacher and will not improve the behaviors. The principal cannot do anything about the problem unless parents share their observations, nor can you expect an immediate change. Do, however, take the responsibility of communicating respectfully.
You will feel good if you have encouraged your child's improved behavior and communicated the problem to the appropriate supervisor. Please remember that if you take your children's side against their teachers, you are risking being trapped into your children's manipulations, and most important, you may be encouraging your children's negative attitudes and behaviors in school, not only for this year, but for the remainder of their learning in school.
HOW TO VOICE OBJECTIONS
What should you do if a teacher says or does something that undercuts your family values? You can solve the problem best by requesting a brief personal meeting with the teacher. Try to be open to the teacher's reasons, and explain your own concerns. Be willing to be flexible if the teacher presents a good case, but be courageous enough to state your objection clearly if you remain unconvinced.
After you've made your point to the teacher, if you still feel entirely justified in your disapproval, voice your concern to the principal, and insist that your child doesn't participate. There are many times ahead when you will have to insist that your child not go along with the crowd. However, it would be very important that you don't extend this particular small difference in opinion to a more general power struggle with your child's teacher, or there is a risk that your child may generalize this to opposition and defiance toward his teacher.
CONCERNS OF LACK OF CHALLENGE
Here's another example. What can you do if your daughter complains about always having to teach other children in learning groups? Sometimes, teachers take ideas too literally and do "too much of a good thing." It is good for your daughter to have some experiences with teaching, but she should also have many opportunities to learn new and challenging material.
“Explain to your daughter that
teaching can be the highest
form of learning.”
Explain to your daughter that teaching can be the highest form of learning. Encourage her to develop her own creative approaches to helping other children learn. Suggest that she keep a journal of new teaching approaches that work and that she share her journal with you and her teacher.
Without telling your daughter, make an appointment with her teacher and explain your daughter's frustration and your encouragement of her involvement so that her teacher knows that you are being supportive. Ask the teacher to suggest some independent projects that your daughter can do at home and school. I expect that her teacher will compromise with you and provide your daughter with both cooperative and independent learning. Hopefully, this teacher will understand your willingness to cooperate and will, in turn, cooperate with you.
Whether or not this last alternative is persuasive enough to your daughter's teacher, as parents you will want to organize some creative family learning opportunities at home. It is important that your daughter share with you a love of learning. If school does not seem appropriately challenging this year, your interesting home experiences will sustain her through this unchallenging year. Next year will undoubtedly be more interesting, and she will at least have learned a creative and respectful means of sustaining herself through some boredom.
“Be prepared to be positive, patient,
and persevering when
communicating with schools.”
PARENT RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATIONS
Parents search for communication methods to help them become advocates for their children. There is no foolproof way, but be prepared to be positive, patient, and persevering when communicating with schools. You are your children's most important advocate, provided you advocate with respect for the individual differences of teachers. Of course, we would expect that teachers should also be respectful and sensitive to your concern for your children's education.
I’m including acrostics that summarize the importance of respectful communications between parents and teachers. Hopefully this will remind parents to stay in an alliance with teachers and teachers to ally with and be respectful to parents.
ALLIANCE FOR SUCCESSFUL PARENT-TO-TEACHER COMMUNICATIONS1 Ally with the teachers privately about their concerns Listen to what the teacher has observed about their child Learn about what the teacher thinks is best for their child Initiate a conversation about the student’s strengths Ask about experimental ideas for engaging and interesting curricular and extracurricular activities Negotiate to find appropriate adult and peer role models Consent alternate if experimental opportunities are not effective Extend possibilities patiently. |
| ALLIANCE SUCCESSFUL TEACHER-TO-PARENT COMMUNICATIONS1 Ally with the parents privately about their concerns Listen to what the parents have observed about their child Learn about what the parents think is best for their child Initiate a conversation about the student’s strengths Add experimental ideas for engaging and interesting curricular and extracurricular activities Negotiate to find appropriate adult and peer role models Consider alternate possibilities if experimental opportunities are not effective Extend possibilities patiently. |
1From Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades And What You Can Do About It, 3rd Edition, by Dr. Sylvia Rimm (Scottsdale, AR, Great Potential Press, Inc, 2008)